The picture above of the clown with the twisted grin is how I remember my father and pretty close to clown in in my recurring nightmare. It was the same dream every time. He would chase me through the house, and I would hide behind the couch shaking in fear and the couch would suddenly be moved and he would be staring down at me laughing.  He was a very angry and abusive man and he took all of it out on me. I already talked about the tickle me until I peed and fear game. The next thing that really stands out in my memory was Snoopy. A black mut but, a really sweet dog. I came home from school when I was eight or nine and my dog wasn't there to greet me when I walked in the door. I did like any child that age would, cried.  I searched and cried. So, dad got home from work and got really irate at the fact that I was crying and asked me if I wanted to see my dog. He took me to the Mantua Township pound to see him. Snoopy had been beaten bloody and soon as he saw me he started howling and crying. So, my dad grabbed me and drug me out of there with the most sadistic grin on his face. It was truly horrifying!! 

   It was around that time that the hitting started. I got hit for everything and everything. I was arguing with my brother in the back seat of a car and he backhanded me and split me open just above my eye, in my eyebrow. I took stitches for that shot. And still my mother did nothing. There was lots of abuse back then but, I'm only going to touch on the ones that really stand out.

   Not long after Snoopy my dad came to me and told me to just be honest. If I did something wrong just tell him and he would go easier on me. I have no idea why I believed him. I was playing little league baseball. I had a pretty good arm and they made a pitcher. So I would practice all the time, throwing a baseball at the back of the house on an open space of wall. The ball didn't damage the wall at all but, the day came when a throw got away from me and I broke the kitchen window. I did what dad said to do. I went to find him and tell him what I did. He was getting out of the shower at the top of the stairs, still wrapped in a towel. I told him what I did and how sorry I was so he knocked me down the stairs. If that was going easier, I would really hate to see his angry side!!

   The next thing I remember is playing in the backyard with the water hose and I squirted his precious boat. I actually got the indoor, outdoor carpet wet. For that I took one of the worst beatings I can remember. He went to the garage and grabbed a piece of wood. He beat me with that all up and down my butt and the back of my legs. It was not a normal spanking. I remember that it burned and really hurt. After it Iwas over I took a look at the back of f my legs and there were little red spots everywhere. Apparently that piece of wood had a trim nail or staple sticking through it. My dad was a carpenter after all. I have spent my whole life wondering if he handpicked it or just didn't knew it was there. And I actually think I know the truth but, he would never admit it.

  So, the next one that really stands out is when I ditched school. I was hanging out with some friends from Sewell, N.J. And I'll be damned if my mother didn't show up and bust me there!! So, mom takes me home, beats my ass with a belt and gave me a list of chores I couldn't have finished in a week. I have no real idea but, I thought that was a pretty good punishment for ditching school. I was wrong. My mother went back to work and a little after that, my dad showed up and boy was he angry!! I had braces back then, born with an overbite. Good old dad shows up and I knew what time it was. Then, he noticed that I had gum in my mouth. Please keep this in mind, my father would never invest a penny to help my teeth. Any way he shows up and snaps! It was like he thousands invested in my mouth, and he starts beating me. Damn I thought I had already been punished!! This man beat me all around the kitchen. Hitting me in the head, back and ribs. I hurt for days after that beating and still, my mother never stood up. I guess my dad was having a bad day!! My mother claims she was payi3ng for my braces, that my dad refused to invest a penny in my mouth. These days I have no idea who to believe because they were both very twisted!! 

   So, A short while later I decided to become a criminal, I stole a bike. The only time in my life that I did anything like that. But, to my mother I was running a bike ring out of our basement!! LOL. One bike. Kids will be kids but, it was all mom needed to drop one child. So, I went to live with my dad nothing had changed, he was still ready to use his hands on me for anything and everything.

   The next really traumatic thing was dinner with mom, my brother and sister. My mother had decided to move to California and gave me one hour over supper to decide if I wanted to fly out with her the very next day. By then I had a new sweetheart, Kim a real doll and I was playing football as a freshman at Gateway Regional High School. I couldn't make a decision like that over dinner so, I got abandoned, so my dad used that as an excuse to really crank up the beatings.  I really don't think my dad cared but, it was an excuse to beat the Hell out of me!! I took another beating and Kim and myself ditched school because I just could not go to school like that. I had no idea I was saving my dad's ass.

   And then the shit hit the fan!! I played football that night. I was a fullback and had to fill in for the tailback and scored my first touchdown!! I got home, peeled off all the tape, dad would never buy me a decent set of cleats. I showered and stowed my gear and went to see Kim. I really loved Kim! We went to her cousin's house and it was there I got the last phone call from my dad. I could not believe it when, Lucia handed me the phone. Guess who it was. That's right, it was my dad was needing to hit me again. His words were, " get your ass home now". After years and years of the same stuff I knew what time it was. It was beating time, daddy needed to hit someone. So, I went home and he had his roommate, Bill sitting in the kitchen. I guess he was planning to put on a show. The very second he came towards me I grabbed a big knife out of the drain board. He actually picked up a kitchen chair and started to come at me. I told him not to miss, and to remember that everybody needs to sleep. He left for three days and I lost my dad.  From that day until now I have no dad. That was 41 years ago. it was all about narcissistic supply. He needed someone to vent on. It wasn't until years later that I found out my father had never even been in a fight with a peer or grown man. So, I guess he filled his inadequacy's beating on me. I did cost me a dad though. Narcissists and their supply. it's painful to know in my heart that once I was concievedI had already served my purpose for my dad. After that I was just a punching bag. 

   Why can't people be more like Dog . I had several Pit bulls and they are totally awesome! They love without question, conditions. They will cuddle with you, babysit your children, defend everybody until their last breath and never regret it!! They know how to love!!

   I guess it's time for my narcissist mother. The queen of evil, trash and dirt. A money made monster

   She told me some years back that I was a happy baby. Laughed and goggled all the time. That I used to sit in front of the TV and cry while I was watching Lassie. She hates my heart, and he, my dad hates my heart! So, I guess that's why I decided to be more like my Pit Bulls. No reverse gear. So, It's on to my mother. She is a 100, times worse then, my father!

   I know I said I was done with dad but, I remembered something else and this one is a real heartbreaker!! I was a young teen and my dad worked with a woman who bred Cocker spaniels. A very nice lady and she made a deal with my dad. It was a lease deal for a female that was named Becky. She was absolutely the sweetest dog I ever had!! We got her as a Puppy, and she fell in love with me right away. She slept on the foot of my bed every night and gave me the sweetest little bull roars every morning. She was a love! So, it was OK while I lived with my mother after they split up. After all I was providing a service for my mother. I was the babysitter. But I became a criminal and stole a bike and that was when I was sent to live with my dad. Becky never did anything wrong, she just never conceived. I think she loved me so much that she didn't even care about going into heat. All she ever wanted was to be with me. So, I go to live with my dad and the beatings resume and he just hated that dog. Now, I'm a freshman in high school, and I come home one day, and that sweet little dog was gone. I asked my dad where she was, and I noticed he couldn't look me in the eyes. He said, maybe she drowned in the creek. She was a water dog and had gone swimming in that creek many, many times. There was a current, tidal water but she always got out and came running back. I think my dad drowned her in that creek. He was never able to get over his anger at that sweet little dog. It was about money for him, and my feelings didn't matter. That is how my dad was but, if you were a girlfriend with a Dog, he could tolerate that. But, that mange covered little shit fell in love with me too. I worked for dad and slept on a dry, docked boat named Hobo Bob. Crazy huh? Next its's moms turn. I don't consider my father the king of narcissism but, I think my mother is the queen!! She took abuse to a whole new level!!! This is amazing, much harder then, I thought. Reliving all of this at 56. Mommy's turn.