That is my mother, Jan to the left. The person I was supposed to be able to trust the most. The person who was supposed to love me no matter what. There is really nothing worse than knowing you just can't trust your own mother. This woman thinks my pain and suffering is amusing and entertaining. the kind of person who will never tell the truth. Never in a million years apologize for anything she ever did or take take any kind of responsibility for anything she did. She is the mighty Jan, extremely wealthy, society's elite and can do no wrong.
Behind closed doors it's a totally different situation. She actually acts like she is a god, entitled to worship and adoration. She is not to be questioned, she always knows what to do and everybody else is wrong. God, forbid you disagree with her or bring up a subject she is guilty of. It's cause for immediate discard. She will not deal with it, and you had no right to bring that subject up. She will not deal with anything she has done. She feels absolutely nothing and has no problem inflicting pain because in her mind you deserved it. That is just how she justifies everything she does. She shows no remorse, she looks at me with amusement on her face when I am hurting.
She and her number one minion can say and do anything they want to me. The second I get angry, retaliate in any way I am the bad guy, again and they are the victims. And they will go back to when I was three years old to have something to bash me about, gaslight. My mother actually told me I was a horrible three- year- old. That stopped when I asked her where I learned that behavior from.
I could write a book about the horrible things this woman has done to me and my siblings. But my brother and sister are blinded by money and completely bought and paid for. That's how my mother keeps people around, she throws money around, buying souls. I can't help but think that in the end times that's how a lot of souls will go, the love of money.
So, I'm going to give some examples of the narcissist games she has played with me. A couple examples of how she has literally tried to destroy me, her first born son. I'm not writing the book here. There is some pretty ugly stuff here and I need to get it out. I'm tired of being blamed for everything that has happened.
Her favorite games are conquering and dividing and discarding. She divided our family, brainwashing my brother and sister always playing the victim. Making damn good and sure that I had no family. And it was always up to mom to decide if I should be given any attention or be able to see any family. Needless to say, I have spent the better part of my life with no family. Then there is her discard, the cold shoulder also called the silent treatment. She really loves this one! If I do anything that displeases her, I got years of the silent treatment.
And she really likes to try and sabotage my life. She has actually invested money in setting me up. The most recent example is when I was in Naples, Florida. I was in a place called ST. Matthews House. It was a combination of homeless shelter and treatment center. To be able to stay you had to be working on the issues that got you there. Through emails, my mother told me that if I stayed there, she would help with the fees. So, I got very involved in AA and was busy trying to find a job and had the chore of doing dishes for over a hundred people every evening, not much free time on my hands. But mom insisted I do this Bible study with her through the Bible app. It was impossible because we are supposed to be able to see what each other were doing and where we were but, mom kept my phone number blocked. She just needed an excuse and God knows she does not have a Christian bone in her body.
i fell behind in this study and that was the excuse my mother used to cut me off. The truth is it was March, and she knew my car needed to be reregistered In April and if I couldn't pay my fees the program would kick me out. It's over $600 to bring a car in from out of state and mine was registered in North Dakota. She wanted me to drink again, get stuck living in my car and then lose it over the registration. She knew exactly what she was doing but, she jumped the gun and cut me off a little too soon and I had been preparing for what I knew was coming. I had been working for a painting contractor a couple days a week and had enough money to make it back to North Dakota. In the end it's just that she does not want me to succeed in any way. She loves to watch me suffer. But when your own mother will intentionally set you up for more suffering that is pure evil.
The time before that my mother let me come to Nevada and stay in her house. I really should have thought this one through because this was not normal. After years and years of no family or even visits she thought I should come to Nevada and stay with her, Mark and Brooke? My sister at the time was still in California and pretty much homeless with a failing business. She was not doing what our mother wanted. After a little while of dealing with my mom and Mark, being caught in the middle between them and my niece I wanted my own place. My mother didn't like the idea and I couldn't understand why. I do now. She was using me to teach my sister a lesson, get her back under control. I drove from Naples Florida to Henderson Nevada so my mother could use me as a pawn in a game between her and my sister.
I did get my own place, a little studio apartment in the hood in Las Vegas and it was all just about over then. So, mom and Mark took me to get a couple pieces of furniture and the conversation was about Brooke and one of Brooke's friends who they thought may have been molested. Mom started talking about what she would do should anything ever happen to Brooke. I was just floored and finally opened my mouth and asked if she would really do anything since you never did anything about it when your brother molested me and even told the Pastor who was trying to break the news to her to never speak of this again and to get the Hell out of her house. Then right in front of me she looked at her husband and denied ever saying any of that. She lied about one of most traumatic things to ever happen to me to her husband right in front of me. I got a little heated, upset and told her that yes, you did do that. They dropped me off at my apartment and I have never seen any of them since. It was exactly what my mother needed to discard me. I spent Thanksgiving alone eating a Hungry Man dinner with my car broke down in my carport with my family just a few miles away in Seven Hills. Never got a phone call, nothing. Christmas got close and that was when I broke down. I couldn't handle the idea of Christmas alone with my mother so close. I sold off as much as I could and packed my stuff and drove back to Florida and that was when the set up in Naples took place. It wasn't long after I left Nevada when my sister was back in mom's house, her lesson was complete.
I could literally write a novel about all the sick games my mother has played with me but, this is actually very hard to do, and I think you get the general idea. I'm sure I'll write more when I can handle it but, for now this is good enough. It is no game having a twisted, narcissistic parent that made you the family scapegoat! Pain and confusion become a way of life and it just never stops.