I almost smiled                                             

   The picture above is actually one of the hardest pictures I have ever, had to look at in my life.!! I just, make's it real clear to me that everything and anything I thought was right didn't matter, at all. Well, that is next to the picture's, of my brother dying of cancer!

   I'm not 100% sure but, I think the look on my face, to the left tells a story in itself about what life in this family has been like. It had been years since I had seen any family at all. My mother flies me out to California for a whirlwind visit that went absolutely disastrous!  I truly believe this is the look my mother wants to see. I know that sounds crazy but, I actually believe that. So, I'm thinking that it's time to back up. This blog may take a little while so please bear with me. I threw one more picture in for good measure. I'm still trying to smile but, I was having serious trouble hiding my pain. I think the pictures go a long way to show how broken a person can get when they have been discarded by the very people, they love the most and were supposed to love them but, didn't. The thing that bothers me the most about the picture below is that my niece, Brooke has almost the same look on her face after years of living with my mother and her husband. Welcome to my world friends. Believe me we are not alone in this battle!!

   But nobody will ever understand why they always go after the one that loves them, unconditionally. I have no idea why but, that is the one they simply have to target!! It's about feed and supply. I don't even think they know. It's just the way it is. 

   I spent so many years asking myself why? What did I do wrong? It was never about wrong or right. It's about narcissism and the scapegoat they pick!!

   

 

   

     

                                                        Still feeling emotional

   The really painful thing is that all I ever really wanted was family. A normal family, like the ones I see all the time here in North Dakota and Minnesota.

   Now, I am aware that I had been being groomed for the role of scapegoat long before I had the first clue what was going on!! It turns out that pain in the eyes and feeling totally unworthy of any kind of love can never be enough for that cute little lady in the right of the picture!! The Sunday ritual, call mother no matter what! This was before We had unlimited calling and text. And more times then, not she would spend my hour of minutes bashing me and putting me down! And my dumb ass is actually paying to be abused!! On my birthday's, or Christmas, I had to call Jan. She couldn't, ever be bothered to pick up her own cell phone. I never mattered what I was going through, she didn't care. It actually seemed as though she really wanted me to suffer through the Holiday's!! My father, too!!! Over time this can really scramble people!!!  The picture to the left was after a seven, year gap with no family. There is more coming about her. What a learning lesson this is becoming!!

   

   I really don't know when my mother, on the right, above, decided she didn't like me but, I do know I was very young. Maybe even a toddler according to some of the things she has said through the years. I was about 5, in kindergarten in Paulsboro New Jersey when I knew my dad didn't really like me. I lived in constant fear of this man and even had recurring nightmares of an evil clown chasing me through our house and always finding me hiding behind the couch. I woke up either crying or screaming every time I had that dream. But what I remember the most was the crazy, sadistic grin on the face of the clown, my father's grin. The look of self, satisfaction every time he had me scared or crying. Where was my mother while all this was happening?

   There are some pretty big holes in my memory through the years. A trauma therapist told me once that the reason I can't remember them is they were just too painful for me. What I do know is that a little before I started kindergarten one of my parents caught the guy next door with me behind our garage with my pants down. I don't remember this but, I know it happened. I overheard my mother the phone years later talking about it and confronted her and she told me that, yes it did happen.

   My dad has always been a little anal about perfection. Everything had to be perfect and immaculate! God forbid anything got a dent or scratched, that drove him absolutely crazy. You got a beating if you didn't close the bag in a cereal box well enough.  I'm thinking this is most likely where my story really begins. I was no longer my father's first, born son. Instead, I was damaged, tarnished and my dad could not handle that!! This is where I remember the change, abuse starting. And all this time my mother, Jan stayed pretty much invisible. I have hardly any memories of her at that point in my life.

   One of my dad's favorite things to do was to sit on me and tickle me until I peed my pants. And then I had to hear it about that. I lived a constant state of fear and confusion. I had to tip toe around the house or risk setting off my dad's rage. He had a whole lot more in store for me though and I will get to as much as I can remember.

   Both of my parents are narcissists and what I feel is real evil but, my mother took abuse to a whole new level! I remember how she always wanted money. She was absolutely driven by her want for money. I remember after my parents split up my mother dating all these different men. Some of them seemed a little off to me. I remember asking my mother why him. Her response was, he has money, and we are so poor. I need money to help raise you kids. And that actually turned out to be one of the biggest lies I was ever told! This woman did not want money to help raise her children. I know this because once she finally got what she wanted she didn't want her kids around anymore. She hit the lottery with Mark and that is when my mother really started her narcissistic ways. It was truly amazing how fast she changed! In her mind she became a god, someone to be worshipped and idolized. And God forbid you didn't give her the adoration and praise she thought she deserved.

   I think I will start with my dad because it seems like it all started with him. And then I will move on to my mother and the abuse she put me through. And where my dad left off my mother picked up and took the games to a whole new level! And then I will move on to the minions, my sister, Dara and her husband Mark. There are a lot more photos that look like that! My expression almost never changes. Unless we are out around who she considers to be her friends and want's, her to be seen the way she wants!!!